How To Get Your Roommate To Watch Cats

With the political, social, environmental, and emotional turmoil that is 2020, we’ve all asked the same question. How do I get my roommate to watch Cats?

The world is burning outside, so why not watch a two-hour-long musical event where Judi Dench has human hands and fur boobs? If you’re like me, your roommates may not share your same passion for watching Andrew Lloyd Webber’s iconic, yet controversial 80’s musical. But have no fear! I have developed fifteen easy steps to ensure that you too can watch Cats with your roommates.

Step 1: Ask your roommate back in good ol’ January of 2020 if she wants to watch Cats in theaters. Simply asking is a great way to gage your roommates interest in Cats. Maybe she wants to make fun of it? Maybe she’s a musical theater fan?

Tip: Stress to her that you don’t want to see it because you think it’ll be good but rather the opposite. You want to learn from their mistakes and also have a witty opinion to share with your coworkers.

Step 2: After getting shut down, wait for a pandemic to hit. Nothing says, “Let’s watch Cats” like being stuck inside with your loved ones.

Step 3: Announce to your roommate that watching Cats with her is your goal for quarantine.

Tip: If she asks why you can’t watch Cats alone, remind her that movies are shared experiences. We get through the tough times by watching Cats together — not separately.

Step 4: Send your roommate some reviews on Cats. Yes, most reviews are bad, but try to find ones that highlight the few admirable qualities of the film such as Taylor Swift’s song “Beautiful Ghosts” and the fact that it eventually ends.

Step 5: Send photos of cats to your roommate in increasing degrees of strangeness. Warm her up to the idea that cats, in theory, could look like humans in furry suits.

Step 6: Play songs from the musical to get her familiar with phrases like “jellicle” and “heaviside layer”.

Step 7: When she jokes about moving out, ignore her and make her become a cat.

Step 8: Make her watch Tiger King on Netflix to make her think about cats. If she can handle Joe Exotic, she can handle Rebel Wilson eating hybrid human cockroaches.

Step 9: If none of these steps work, resort to leveraging your birthday as a reason to watch Cats. She will then realize that this is the greatest gift you can gift anyone and will finally agree!

Step 10: Your roommate then reveals that she’s actually going to move out — for real.

Tip: Wonder if making her watch Cats pushed her away and made her move.

Step 11: Get ready to watch Cats! If your roommate tries to skip out watching the first twenty minutes of the film to frost your cupcakes she made you for your birthday, tell her that you will wait to start the film. She’s going to be watching the full two-hour movie or it’s no longer your birthday gift.

Step 12: As you watch Jennifer Hudson belt out “Memory”, reflect on how you’ll miss your roommate. Try not to think about how you won’t have someone who will stay up to midnight every Friday watching The Great British Baking Show or someone who will remind you to hydrate when you get a headache. Don’t reminisce about your adventures apartment hunting, getting take out, dragging her outside to get some exercise, and baking porcupine-shaped bread rolls. Remember to not remember all of the late night talks, the handcrafted pug she made you, the hockey games, and the excessive amount of baked goods you consumed. Hold back the tears as you accept that she’s actually leaving and ironically watching Cats won’t fix the whole in your heart. Realize that maybe Cats was a distraction from accepting that she’s leaving and that it’s easier to make jokes about Cats than to accept the inevitable life changes that come with being someone’s friend.

Step 13: Thank her for watching Cats with you. When she asks why you’re crying, say that it’s because the film was worse than you thought.

Step 14: Write a blog post about Cats to conceal your feelings and ultimately make this milestone event in your roommate’s life more about you than her.

Step 15: Remember that she’s only twenty minutes away and that the memory will live again.